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mushroomhead27
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read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Monica...be jealous
Country: United States
State: Florida
Metro: Tampa Bay Area
Gender: Female
Interests: lets see.. : swimming,laughing,smiling(thats my favorite), joke dancing,breaking into song,blasting music,head banging,acting high,getting high(lol jk),making friends,going to the movies,being lazy,acting cacrazy,chilaxing with my friends,skipping,jumping on the trampoline,underacheiving as much as possible while still barely passing,sleeping,playing wwith my new puppy,talking to anyone with ears,causing scenes, your madre, eating&drinking, watching movies, dancing in the rain, playstation and sega(heck yes!), listening to people talk, listening to music,being away from my home, the moon(its cool but I still dont think we landed there), counting stars,messing with my Xanga(damn I'm addicted)....and yeah, just having fun I guess...I should've just put that, eh?
Expertise: your mom, yeah, that's right, your madre
Occupation: Student
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  HappyBunnyM
AIM:  KissMiTearsAway5
Yahoo:  Shorthappybunny
Member Since:
11/7/2004
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| All I know now is that I gotta do something...right??
So,
Everything this week is slowly but surely turning out to be ruining the consistency that I had.
Everyone is having a holiday slump
&December has let me down once again.
I wish I could do something that could make them feel better.
But, I have obstacles aka a mother that feeds off of pain like a banchee.
I did even have my routine Wednesday.
Because of her.
&boys are scum
&I want to shake them &show them what their ruining
&I want to visit my friends&bring them their favorite food so they can feel better.
My cd of infinite songs(Amanda), Aqualung, The Beach Boys, RENT(Britt),phonecalls(you know),
&non stop movies have kept me going this break.
Which shows I've grown in a year.
&I don't waste my time wallowing in my own self pity like I used to.
I love you guys.
&hopefully I'll see you on New Years.
I'm not sure what my resolution is yet.
I was so...young &different last year:
Hey homies!!Yesterday I went to the movies for the first time in
forever with Alice and we saw Christmas with the Kranks...turns out it
was actually pretty good.We're house sitting right now.Alice got me
this Steve-O dvd it's awesome.Thanks much for the Eminem CD Amanda
>_< it's equally awesome.Tomorrow's Christmas eve which is
rather interesting ...it came to fast this year.We're spending it @ my
mother's friends house.Yeah she has friends...hard to believe,I
know.Someone's been calling my house and hanging up a lot lately and my
satanic grandmother thinks its one of my friends,ugh.And the calls
didn't show up on the caller I.D and she thinks I erased them and she's
saying she's going to call the police because the ppl calling and
hanging up are abusing her or some B.S. like that .I got a haircut!
Finally it's been almost a year.It's not drastic though,just a trim,
you can tell a lot in the front though I dont like the front.Alice got
one too,now her's you can tell A LOT. It's so much shorter and
different.I can't wait for new classes, new people YAY!And maybe I'll
meet a boy th@ I like , I haven't liked anyone in a long time...what's
wrong with me? I always have these long periods of not liking
someone...I dont think I'm to good for them or anything....maybe I'm
just weird...maybe I'm gay......lol jk ew no way, not that I have
anything against gay people or anything I just would never be able to
be gay myself...it's just nnot possible.My classes next quarter are:
1st period-Chorus 2nd period-ACM..I think 3rd period-East/West her
Honors(I dont know what that is either) 4th period- English 1 honors.
Alrighty well this was fun but I don't have anything else to write so
toodles!
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| PARALYZED
Yesterday, I collapsed onto the floor and couldn't move for about an hour.
I couldn't move.
I don't know what happened, I just felt dead.
Everything is just so wrong.
EVERYTHING, and I can't help but think maybe it's all my fault.
I can't help but think maybe I did all of this to myself.
I couldn't even cry, I literally thought I was dead.
Then I walk out of my room hearing my mother telling on me to my brother.
And I know they'll be reading this later and I just want to say...
LET ME GO.
It's not like anyone really cares anymore.
Because today, I was paralyzed again,
and my mother just thought I was trying to sleep and made me go down
and get the laundry and said I could sleep my life away for all she
cares. I just had to get the laundry first.
It's not the constant chores that bother me.
It's this house and the people in it.
OPEN YOUR EYES.
so congratulations.
I feel like NOTHING.
And I need to stop typing because, I feel like I'm about to be paralyzed again.
I NEVER TALKED TO YOU BECAUSE YOU NEVER LISTENED,
AND I DON'T LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU NEVER SHOWED YOU CARED, OR EVEN PRETENDED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE.
IT'S TOO LATE.
remember when I used to say I loved my life all the same?
I can't bring my self to say that anymore.
And I'm sorry for wasting your time.
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| MY FAMILY IS INCREDIBLY RUDE.
Don't you think if someone truly cared,
they would ASK about your life instead of going behind your back?
Yeah. Me too.
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| When my brother used to live with us,
we went on trips all the time.
She was happy.
Everyone was just peachy.
Then he left.
He ruined everything.
Because after he left, they realized they were stuck with me, still.
I'm the black sheep of the family.
The one everyone lies about, or exaggerates the little accomplishments
I've done and makes them into something like curing cancer,
because they have nothing good to say
But, of course, that's only what they think.
They place everything on top of my shoulders, I'm the one to blame for all their pain.
They say this because I'm the smallest and the easiest to say it to, not because it's true.
I'm just here for now, and I'm only a possession, like their fancy
furniture , I'm something thats just there for now until they decide
they are done with me.
They cover up all their heartache with lies.
They throw the money they don't have away so people with think everything is just fine.
They cover everything up with fake voices and false smiles, so that
when people looke at me, sitting there, not talking,not smiling,
they'll think that what they say about me is true, that I am the only
one with problems.
It makes me sick.
Every single person in this house has an issue with reality orientation.
Here is the reality:
Everyone is completely miserable.
But when I point it out,
it makes me the miserable one, and I, dear friends, am the happiest
person in this entire fucking house, even our cat is depressed.
They say nothing is wrong, and that I need "God".
But, tell me, please, what has their God done for them?
Look at them.
They're in denial of everything wrong with the world.
And they say I'm stupid for noticing this.
I wish I was stupid.
If I were stupid, I wouldn't know any better,
and I would think this is as good as it gets,
that this is how I will live out my life.
But I'm not stupid, no matter how many times people tell me I am.
I know better.
I know that there can be so much more than this for me and I know that I don't have to grow up to be just like them.
Sometimes I don't feel fifteen.
I feel like everyone else who is my own age has lived so much less then me.
I don't want to grow up this fast.
My therapist at the crisis center told me something very true.
You are trying to
be everyone's mother, but they are old and will not change, but you are
15, and now is the time you have to choose, will you break your life,
becoming just like them? Or will you make it, by ignoring them and
moving on?
I'll choose making it.
Thank you very much.
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| LOTS
and I mean LOTS
has been going on lately.
Another significant something that causes one of those big days,
one of those days that impacts your life,
MAKES IT.
I fucked up in one way...
And did something incredible in another.
I ODed.
Met extraordinary people at a crisis center.
Including a boy who is definately someone special.
Sean.
That was my something incredible.
My fuck up was with my mother.
I embarassed her.
She doesn't actually want me back...
but what would people say if I was all of a sudden gone, right?
So I'm back here, it's even worse than before.
But I can handle it.
It's just another thing I'll have to deal with for a while.
Only a while, though.
You can't possibly expect me to deal for another 3 years...
it's just not going to happen, my dears.
So...yes....
Getting back to the old schedule will be tough,
dealing with the family will be even tougher,
not being able to see Sean for a while will be the toughest.
BUT...
IT'S LIFE. <3
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